I think that for the most part, my self-discipline died in grade eleven, when I decided that taking physics and chemistry with Mr. B was a good idea. It kind of went downhill from there.
... It was an ultimate fail on my part, and I was lucky that I got the grade that I got. "Lucky" meaning that I was lucky to be a girl in his class and I was lucky that he favoured me for being extra nice to him. Hey, sometimes, you have to use a little charm to get ahead (don't worry, I didn't pay him nice compliments or shove my boobies all up in his face- gross!!!!!!!!!).
I talk about self-discipline because today, I woke up wayyyyy later than I should have and did not get any studying done whatsoever. Sometimes, I manage to scrounge up some discipline and get my shit together, but other times I just sit in front of my computer and wonder, "What is WRONG with me?!" My life feels so mundane and boring that sometimes, I just want to break out of this bubble and do SOMETHING. Anything that would boost up the levels of fun in my life. It's hard to go out and do something rebellious when I feel like I'm the only boring one. I mean, sometimes, all my boredom gets built up to the point that it forces me to do something impulsive like piercing my body or changing my hair. I think that it's especially pathetic when I start to imagine what my life could be like. I guess I'm working towards it with the career path that I'm taking, but I'm afraid that with all the travel that is bound to occur in my future, I won't have time to settle down and get married and shoot out babies and stuff.
Uggghhhhh, this is way too much thinking for my eighteen-year-old self, but sometimes that happens at one in the morning when you feel like driving to the beach and skinny dipping. Yes, I want to go to the beach and strip off my PJ's before downing a couple of drinks and just LIVING.
SOMEBODY come and join me?
