... I feel like Macbeth (wow, so nerdy), who was, "in blood/stepp'd in so far, that should [he] wade no more/returning were as tedious as going o'er."
Am I in or out?
I wish with all my might that I didn't have to lie about wanting to be in.
I don't mean to be selfish; I'm fully aware of how much you have helped me grow.
... I just feel like I've kind of grown out of you.
A while ago, I knew that all our hard work would eventually pay off. It was how it had always been. Now, it just feels like work. A lot of work without any hope of reward.
Each moment with you, feels like a strange kind of eternity in which I have to switch into a robotic, I-worship-Xenu, whatever-you-say-my-lord- kind of mode.
I dread it all the time, but it's easier than fighting.
There's music, but I don't know where the spark has gone. It would be nice if it could come back; however, I honestly feel that for the first time in my life, I know what I want and I know what I don't want. I used to be so stupidly naive. I can do without you. You're holding me back.
I don't wish that things could be the way that they were before.
These past few months have been so rough. I've fallen hard. I've been kicked and used and talked about and blamed and disliked. I've cried five billion times, and in front of the most unlikely people... but I have no regrets because all of that has led me here, to this moment. To this amazing realization.
(Taking everything that I've learned from you into account, you'd be so proud of me)
