"I watched it begin again."

Today was the first day I didn't miss you at all.

"But there was one thing missing..."

I'm tired of missing you. Even the unexpected sight of your name is enough to shake my bones.

"It's all right. It's all wrong."

One day, without any explanation, you sent me a link to this song. The first time we met, I wrote in my journal that you were hard to read. You still are, 95% of the time, and it is the one thing that frustrates me the most about you. But in those subtle moments that you offer me a glimpse into the inner workings of your mind, I am always overwhelmed by your honesty.

You're not the one. But I want you to be.

I'm the next act

Waiting in the wings

I'm an animal

Trapped in your hot car

I am all the days

That you choose to ignore

You are all I need

You are all I need

I'm in the middle of your picture

Lying in the reeds

I'm a moth

Who just wants to share your light

I'm just an insect

Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you

Because there are no others

You are all I need

You're all I need

I'm in the middle your picture

Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong

It's all right

It's all wrong

"Come back... Be here."

Showing up unannounced at the bus station in your town was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. I had a six hour bus ride through the English countryside to change my mind and even though it occurred to me that I should turn around, I couldn't. I had tunnel vision. I was a woman possessed. I knew that if I was going to crash and burn, it was going to be in the most epic, most heartbreaking way possible.

"You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me."

"I Almost Do."

Perhaps it's letting go of the idea of you or the possibility of us that's the hardest part. Physically, you're 4710 miles away but I haven't decided whether or not that makes getting over you easier or more difficult. I would give anything to be able to crawl into bed next to you at three in the morning after a night out without you; to whisper, "I'm so tired" and have you answer, "I know, sweetie" and squeeze me a little bit tighter. You're far away and yet you're still so unbearably close. In the corner booth of your favourite bar. At the bus stop where we had our first kiss. In our neighborhood, at the top of the hill that dips and overlooks the city. You're not here, but you're everywhere and I don't know how to move on in a city that won't let me forget you.

"I am a moth who just wants to share your light."

I don't know why I was wasting so much time up until this point. I was wasting time with people that I allowed to hold me back from living my life the way that I should have been living it all along. There was a certain point, a little while before I met you, when something snapped inside of me; I fell into a huge and awful chasm of self-pity and anger that consumed me for weeks. I felt the most alone that I had ever felt, and all I wanted to do was sob and wallow. Finally, weeks later (after a night when I  consumed an entire, fat loaf of French bread in one sitting), I woke up and realized that this was not the way that I should be living my life. I had been chasing after people who were never going to make me a priority in their lives. I had consistently been chasing after the ideas of every boy that had entered my life- by "idea", I mean the perfect idea of each person that I had conjured up in my mind. Does that make sense? It wasn't entirely their fault. I willingly chose to look past each flaw, each half-truth, each full-on lie because I wanted so badly to be happy, to feel secure. But I was wrong about all of them.

Anyway, after that, I wiped away my tears, dyed my hair (so cliche), and applied for some jobs and internships. I was determined to get over myself ("But what does that even mean?" you'd say). By the following week, I had been hired for both internships that I applied for and had another interview for the following week.

... And then I met you. If there is a God, it was like he was waiting for me to figure it all out on my own (just like an all-knowing asshole would), so that I could really appreciate you when you came into my life. It was unexpected and all by chance, but at the same time, it seems way too calculated and unnervingly perfect to just be an accident.

And now, you're here. And soon, you'll be leaving for good.

It's strange to be going through the rest of this month knowing that by the end of it, you'll be an entire ocean away... but strangely, I'm okay with it. It's bittersweet.

But somehow, in a world filled with over seven billion people, I found you, and that alone is a feat.

"You stole my star."

I am so tired of this city and how mundane everything is. So tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. Not pretty/smart/outgoing enough?? So goddamn tired of feeling like I'm running in a race with people who are speeding past me to the finish line. I've had ten different jobs since I was fifteen. I get bored. Can anyone really expect me to decide on ONE career for the rest of my life?? Ughhhh. Some people need to take their smug assuredness and shove it up their boring asses. I'm making no sense, but this rant to no one is making me feel better.

"I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again."

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
... There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

"Let it fall."

For the longest time, I thought she sang, "So happy, so happy, so happy..."
and I just found out that she actually says, "So I weep."
Total opposite.

"Long live the walls we crashed through."

The older I get, the more I realize how old my parents actually are, and how cute they can be.

It's kind of like the tables have turned after so many years of me being a selfish little kid.

I'm now looking back at my parents in a different way. As if they're the children growing up and I'm the parent staring fondly, wistfully after them. I'm starting to realize more and more how similar their personality traits are to my own, and how funny they can be. Sometimes.

"It was the end of a decade, but the start of an age."

Did anyone else used to watch this show?
... Because it was awesome.

"Take me out tonight, or take me anywhere- I don't care."

I'm stage managing a play.

Come out and audition for us! Or tell all of your friends!

It is going to be directed by a very talented and good friend of mine. I promise that it will be fabulous!

If you're into working behind the scenes, let me know as well!

Visit our Facebook page for details.

"Those Christmas lights light up the street. Maybe they'll bring her back to me."

You light up my world.

"Honestly, won't someone stop this train?"

Been painting hard.

"They've never gone this long without a kill before."

Down to the wire
I wanted water
But I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

Basically.

"If I find her, I swear- I'll kill her."

I like it.

"Hey now, don't dream it's over."

These are my best friends.
We dressed up as Hogwarts students and waited in line to see HP7 PT.I in Imax this weekend.
We were sober (for once). It was great.

I'm really lucky.

(Also, the film definitely lives up to its hype. Probably more. I was in tears!!!)

"I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone."

"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." -Macbeth (3.4.135–137)
***
I don't know how much time I spent lying awake last night.

My temples were throbbing, my feet were annoyingly warm, and my hair was unwashed. Each discomfort left me uncomfortable and irritated. Every position I laid in, didn't feel right. Neither side of my pillow was cool or comfortable enough and it got to the point where I became frustrated by my lack of tiredness.

Finally, I gave up trying to sleep and cracked open my skylight. Under the darkness of the sky, I thought about how much easier things were years ago when my mother's arms were the safest place I could be. I thought about how she'd stroke my hair and sing me old Vietnamese lullabies when I couldn't sleep. I love you's were/are very rarely exchanged in our home, but growing up, I was always strongly aware of the fact that my mother loved me and I knew it most of all when she sang me to sleep.

Nowadays, we might as well be strangers. Walls and the passage of time have completely separated us and even though she is usually only ten steps away, it feels like ten thousand.

"He doesn't want her, but he just won't let her go."

He doesnt want her but he just won't let her go
She started breaking but she still wont let it show

***

I've had this song stuck in my head all day! An oldie, but a goodie.